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Marianne Moore's avatar

I grew up in total chaos. I only remember our house being clean and tidy once my mom remarried 7 years after my parents split, and my idea of cleaning was to throw all of my clothes I had strewn across my room getting ready that day into my giant closet. Out of site out mind. I couldn’t do my homework unless my bed was made, room was free of clutter, and I had a snack and a beverage by my bedside. Later on in life I came to realize I had ADHDcombo whatever they call it. So I thrive in clean and orderly environments, but it’s something that I struggle with ever since becoming a mother of three young children. At 17 my home was spotless, at 24 my home was spotless except for a single basket of clean clothes I could never manage to fully put away. Even at 32 my home was spotless. But enter child one at 36 still very put together, enter child two at 37 piles starting to gather for longer than previously in my life, enter child 3 at 39. At 40 I lived in a state of constant fight or flight. Their father became another person that I didn’t recognize and my sleepless nights were turned into anxiety ridden where is he? Why is he not answering his phone? It’s 5am and he’s still not home… spinning out like a crazy person. I did that dance for 3 of the almost 11 years we were together, and it has been very difficult to get back to the person I was before all of the chaos(some good chaos and some highly abusive chaos). He grew up very spoiled in a spotless home in which his parents still reside and still keep pristine, but his idea of cleaning was to throw my belongings away or stuff in boxes and toss in attics so i would never know where anything was, to put half washed dishes away in the cabinet wet. Even though i had seen him wash and dry dishes after dinner at his parents house a hundred times he acted like he didn’t know how to do normal things around me, and when he started doing unsavory things he would literally take our belongings and just give them to random people he was spending his time with. Very strange dynamic towards the end, but at first we managed to work well because i just did everything around the house for him.

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Breeann Adam's avatar

Oh, I can relate to this! I grew up similarly to you, and my husband, although his home was not abusive or cruel in any way, had the same level of cleanliness and order expectations. We fought a lot about it early in marriage! After 12 years, I’d say we have reached a “happy medium.” It’s a hard process though and our upbringing comes with us when we move in with someone 😊

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