Balancing Chaos and Order at Home

Finding the Right Balance to Create a Happy Home

I grew up in a home made of chaos and unrestricted freedom.

My husband grew up in a home made of order and corporal punishment.

• In my home, we ate freely, in any room and on any surface, dropped crumbs on the floor for the dogs to eat, made messes and collected stuff that covered tables and filled drawers.

• In his home, he was locked out of the house all day to keep it clean, orderly and untouched. Even when it rained. Food was a strict, all-consuming, table-only ritual. Few toys. No TV. His birthday present was a lawn mower.

• In my home, rules and punishment were non-existent. We watched TV and played video games endlessly, and indulged in takeaway and snack foods frequently.

• In his home, a swift spoon to the backside for not cleaning to her standards was the norm. No treats. No snacks. Just what was put on the table three times a day.

• In my home, surfaces were dusty, stuff overwhelmed every room, pets roamed freely, and ‘she’ll be right mate’ and ‘we’ll get to cleaning that eventually’ were common sayings.

• In his home, cleanliness and order reigned supreme. It was the top priority above all others.

So when chaos and order combine, into one newly formed home where we call the shots and we make the rules, a balance of power is at play.

Our polar opposite upbringings have us butting heads on how our home should be.

We each have been set in old ways, concreted into place from our parents who came before us. But slowly, we are digging up those foundations and laying down our own.

He tries to lower his cleanliness standards, and I try to increase mine, to find a happy middle ground.

We try to create enough freedom for our kids to explore, thrive, andn express themselves and enough order to maintain a sense of structure, comfort and peace.

The pendulum tends to swing wildly some days, with old habits from both of our upbringings rearing their ugly heads.

We will see the same room through different eyes. If the toys are off the floor and the carpet is vacuumed, to me, it’s clean. No more work to do here. But he spots the slight trail of dust on the skirting boards, the fingerprints on windows and sees too many items still placed on surfaces.

I know that uncleanliness opens old wounds for him. My husband gets triggered if the kids do painting activities on the patio. His anxiety is so heightened that he comes inside and avoids looking at it until their painting frenzy is finished and it’s all packed away.

We never have visitors over. Unexpected visitors are feared. Especially in the natural state that our house is in most of the time, with two children under five. When we do have visitors, another anxiety attack and a cleaning frenzy from my husband ensues (that I contribute towards too). Of course, I want the house to be clean for visitors. But I know family and close friends won’t be bothered by a bit of clutter, especially if they want to pop around last minute.

Mess is a part of life with kids. That’s how they explore their world. But any mess can always be cleaned up and put away. The timeframe around that occurring is not always swift enough in his eyes.

I can feel his heightened anxiety and tension when the house is messy, and I catch those feelings too. The only way to combat it is to get the house back into a clean state again. But here’s the thing:

He feels anxious when the house is not clean.
I feel anxious when I am cleaning.

See the problem here?

I am anxious when I clean because I never feel like I’m doing it right. I’m not doing a good enough job. The house will never be 100% clean all of the time. But the reality is, it never will be. And even if it were, he’d likely find something out of place that is left undone. Because that is the world he was brought up in. That is the standard that was literally beaten into him.

I still remember the one and only time his mother visited our house in the days leading up to our wedding. He was so frantic about making sure everything in the house was perfect. The house was more immaculate than I had ever seen it.

He said she will find a fault somewhere.
And she did.
A patch of our garden that was slightly unkempt.

That was my glimpse into the world he was brought up in. Deep down, he is still that boy, trying to impress his mum and reach that unreachable standard that would allow him to be warm and safe inside his home on a rainy day.

But I know elements of my upbringing had flaws, too.

My mum was a hoarder. Still is. Her cleaning consisted of dishes, laundry and vacuuming. That’s it. My father does most of the cleaning now that they are both retired. Poor eating wreaked havoc on my gut health over the years, and all my screen time meant I did barely any physical exercise.

I struggle with hoarding clothes and craft supplies, but I try my best to purge when I can. Because I like a clutter-free home. I like not being overwhelmed by too much stuff. But it is an adjustment for me to give into a more minimalist lifestyle with a regular rotation of stuff being sold, given away or thrown out. Because I was not brought up that way. But I don’t want my kids wading through drawers, shelves and boxes full of hoarded clothes, toys and stuff that my mum refused to throw away, like I did.

Despite having a relatively happy and carefree childhood, living in that environment made for a chaotic and overwhelming existence.

So together, in our new family and new little life with two adorable children, we are finding a way through the chaos and order to create a life that is the perfect blend of both.

• When we make a mess, we always clean it up.

• If we haven’t used or worn something in the past 6 months, we get rid of it.

• We eat dinner at the table as a family and have healthy snacks on the go throughout the day while we play.

• We have house rules and strict boundaries around screen time.

• We work as a team to look after our home because it’s the only one we’ve got, and that includes looking after each other too.
  

Was your home clean or messy? Chaotic or orderly? How has that upbringing impacted the home you live in now? Let me know in the comments below.