Finding Myself Again in Motherhood

Motherhood crashed into me like a freight train.

I was expecting it to be full on, but I was not expecting it to break me apart and put me back together again, transforming me into an entirely new version of myself.

Yes, it's true. Becoming a mother has broken me down entirely and I'm still building myself back up again into a new version of myself. It feels as though i’m going through a new evolutionary phase.

I learnt the word matrescence when my first son was 6 months old. Why hadn't that term been included in the wad of pamphlets I received throughout my pregnancy and after birth? It seems knowing that word, and it's meaning would help me understand this transition better.

If you have never heard the word before, it is a term that describes the physical, emotional, and psycological transition a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. This monumental life transition is considered to be as significant as the transition from childhood into adulthood, and we can all remember how tumultuous that adolescent period was.

So why don't we acknowledge that huge motherhood shift too on an emotional level, identity level and life purpose level? Why aren't expectant mothers educated about this term?

Motherhood touches and irreversibly changes so many aspects of our lives. After I learnt about this term, I read that it can take 9 months to 2 years for many women to fully adjust and feel settled into their motherhood role.

So you're saying motherhood doesn't necessarily come naturally to us?

Isn't that what we have been told pretty much our whole lives as women? But logically, we should all know that is not true. Nothing comes naturally. Just like anything in life, it takes time, knowledge and practice to get good at something. We even need to learn the basics of being a human when we are babies such as walking and talking. Learning to navigate motherhood is no different. 

However unlike some other aspects of life, the goalposts of motherhood keep changing as our kids grow up. Each year older means new milestones and new ways our little ones take in and learn about the world around them. We need to adapt to these changes as mothers to help them through these moments of life. It’s all part of the package we sign up for when we bring another human into this world. It’s our job now to help them become well adjusted humans that can one day live independently in this world.

So, while I traverse the path of motherhood with a 3.5 year old and a 19 month old, I ponder whether I am now feeling more comfortable in my new skin as a mother. In some ways yes. In other ways, no. One thing that is for sure is that I am no longer just me. My kids are now forever part of me too. A huge chunk of myself and my time is given over to them on a daily basis. Physically and emotionally. Their needs and wants are my number one priority in every waking moment, forcing me to put my own wants and needs further down the list. But as my boys grow up and slowly become more independent and self-sufficient, I am beginning to see the light.

I'm snatching back moments for myself out of thin air, otherwise I feel myself becoming completely consumed by them and losing myself in the process. Even if it means writing this Substack post at 10pm at night on my phone in bed with my 19 month old finally dozing next to me.

My new favourite way to sneak a bit of me time in and maintain my own sanity in the process, particularly on long days with sick kids and lots of tantrums, is the magic combination of wireless earphones and audiobooks / podcasts. Having moments of mental distraction detached from the crying, mess and chaos that ensues some days is a must.

Another part of reclaiming myself in motherhood doesn't just involve finding time for enjoyable distractions. I want a goal that is all my own, and that goal for me right now is to finish writing and publishing one of the many fiction stories I have been writing for over 10 years now. This goal has given me something to aim for that is external to my kids and fulfilling.

Sometimes I kick myself for not sticking to my guns before having kids and always giving up so easily on my fiction writing dreams. But I have realised that now is exactly the right moment for me to take this path as motherhood has given me an extra layer of strength, determination and depth that has been doing absolute wonders for my storytelling and for my persistence.

But sometimes I do wonder why I need a personal goal like this. Throughout life I have taken on various side quests that get my creative juices flowing one way or another, and each time I dip out of one and loose interest, a dark cloud tends to fall over me. I lose purpose and a little of the light I need to keep shining dims too.  Eventually I go hunting for another goal to fill that void.

But why isn't motherhood enough? I thought motherhood would satisfy my hunger for purpose and fulfilment, and yes it has in a lot of ways, but there is still a hole I need to fill to keep everything in tact. To keep a part of myself intact that is seperate from the part of me that now belongs to my children.

 

So I would love to get your thoughts about all this. Have you heard of the term Matresence? Are you partaking in any side quests, goals or hobbies beyond parenting? Let me know in the comments below.