I Am the Worst

Learning to Silence my Inner Critic and Embrace My Strengths

‘I am the worst’ is a phrase I echo to myself somewhat frequently. Mostly internally. Sometimes externally if no one else is around. I say something I regret and beat myself up over it in bed. Why did I say that? I brake a glass container because I dropped it when I wasn't paying attention. What is wrong with me? I ate something I shouldn't have. I should know better. I am home alone with the kids watching TV half the day and the house is messier than when I woke up this morning. I am the worst.

Is this internal monologue familiar to you? Can you imagine saying that to someone else? 'You are the worst!'? No way. So I should probably stop saying this to myself.

The Comedy of Errors

To put it simply, my life is a comedy of errors. Rather than a domestic goddess, I feel like I'm more of a domestic assassin, leaving a trail of chaos and unfinished tasks in my wake. Anything with the word 'domestic' associated with it, I am almost guaranteed to be terrible at.

Cooking? I'm more likely to hurt myself or break something than make a decent meal. Cleaning? I'll start making the bed before being distracted by my clothes on the floor, and when I pick them up to put in the laundry basket I see some toys to be put away which I quickly abandon when my toilet-training toddler yells out that he needs to do a poo poo. Once that's all cleaned up I head back to the bedroom and wonder why I didn't make the bed already.

This comedy of errors has increased threefold since I became a mother. My brain simply doesn't work in a linear fashion. I feel like multiple thoughts, ideas and processes are in my mind at any one time, each one overlapping and interrupting the other mid-thought. Oh, and there's often a song playing in there somewhere too.

The Perfect Partner Paradox

I always joke that my husband would be a far better domestic goddess than me. He cooks amazing meals, even baking bread and making pasta from scratch. He is a thorough cleaner, ensuring every inch of space is sparking clean before he moves to the next room. The methodical way he completes the steps of a recipe, cleans each room and sticks to one task at a time is something I envy at times.

My husband's level of perfection is intimidating. He holds a good job in sales that he excels at, he's an excellent dad, he grew up on a farm so he knows how to keep plants alive, and beyond his top-notch cleaning and cooking skills—which I already mentioned—in any day he needs to look after the kids solo, I'll get home to a clean and calm house (a stark contrast to the mess and crazed mood he walks into most days when I'm on duty). Oh, and he's ridiculously good looking (I know, I'm probably biased, but he is. Picture a mix of Jensen Ackles and Ryan Seacrest. That’s him). He is the guy the girl falls in love with in romance novels. I second-guess how he ended up with me some days. And there I go, with that negative self talk again.

The Root of Negative Self-Talk

I know that kind of self-talk is not helpful to my self-esteem or mental state, but knowing that fact doesn't change anything. Next time I drop a cup, forget to put the trash out or say something without thinking and regret it later, the 'I am the worst' phrase will inevitably return.

My logical brain knows I am far from the worst. There are plenty of worse people in the world. But I guess I wish I could be better at some basic stuff, like preventing myself from accidentally breaking things from clumsiness or figure out how not to make a meal that's either half-cooked, tastes bad or nearly gives me an anxiety attack in the process even if the result is a success.

Isn't it funny how our subconscious always defaults to the negative term? This just goes to show that many of us don't pay enough attention to the good and positive things that make up who we are as human beings.

Flipping the Script

Perhaps I need to counter that self-loathing term with an opposite phrase that lifts me up, like ‘I'm the best.’

So, I'm going to make it a mission to flip the internal narrative for myself, and I encourage you to steal and use this idea too if you think it will help your self-perception. Next time I do something well or that I'm proud of, I'll try and throw a signpost up in my mind's eye prompting me to tell myself ‘I'm the best’.

My first and honest reaction to saying that statement out loud is ‘Well aren't you a bit up yourself?’

Self-praise flies in the face of the humble, same as everyone else, and authentic persona I try to align with. I feel like saying 'Yeah I'm good, I guess' instead. But we have to like ourselves to have decent self-esteem. We have to feed our self-worth to sustain it, but too much could threaten to give us a big head. For this and anything else in life, it comes down to balance.

Celebrating Strengths

So, what am I the best at? What skills and traits are my safe space that I feel proud of? One is my writing, hence why I'm writing now. To process this whole self-esteem issue mulling over in my brain like mouldy bread that needs to be thrown out.

I'm also great at loving and taking care of my kids. They are never short on cuddles, snacks, kisses, food or entertainment. The house is a mess because I often put their needs and wants ahead of a house that's always tidy, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm also great at maintaining a healthy savings account, paying my bills on time, booking excellent holidays on a budget and arranging outings, catch-ups and play dates. I'm great at my marketing job too which I do two days a week. I also have great hair, or so I'm told. There's a lot of great in this neat little package of a human being that's worth celebrating, and that advice aligns with you too.

So, do you ever think of yourself as 'the worst?' Tell me I'm not alone in this negative self-talk sentiment. I know we all do it to some degree!

But more importantly, what are you the best at? I'd love to know! Please go ahead and gloat in the comments below. Let's celebrate our strengths together and start flipping our internal narratives from 'I'm the worst' to 'I'm the best'!