Never the Best Friend

Reflections on Friendships

Friendships.

We hold some friends at arm’s length, only sharing pleasantries and platitudes. Others we wrap in close, letting them in on our deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets.

With some, we are honest. Even brutally so. With others, we tell little white lies about ourselves and about them. Keeping them close but not close enough to see anything real.

Ever since high school, I’ve had a tight-knit group of friends. The kind of friends I can tell my grievances to, and I’ll happily listen to theirs and offer advice. We would hang out in groups at nightclubs and go to parties in my youth, and now, in my 30s, we meet up for brunch or craft classes.

I’m so lucky to have these friends in my life, but one aspect that tends to cause a deep pit to form in my stomach is knowing that these friendships are only ever valid in a group setting. Well, for me anyway.

Amongst my friends, there are those within the group who would be considered best friends. Friends who would catch up one-on-one and turn up at each other’s houses unannounced.

• Jessica and Lisa shopped for homewares together

• Kate invited Lauren over to binge-watch Gilmore Girls

• Linda dropped by Kathy’s house after work to vent and unwind

That’s not part of my friendship experience. I’m the friend who is invited to add to the group’s fullness. An additional voice amongst the choir.

I often overthink my social interactions. Wondering if I shared too much. If I said too little. If something I said was misinterpreted.

Am I just a sympathy friend?

The one who’s invited because they feel sorry for me.
The only one in the group without a best friend.

I had friends in the past who I considered to be ‘best friends’, although I never said it out loud. Perhaps in fear that my perception was one-sided.

One such friend was the eccentric artist in school. She ended up being a successful art curator. She was magnetic. People were drawn to her. She made everyone who knew her feel like they were her best friend.

I was just one of those best friends amongst a sea of many.

I was the mediocre middle-class suburban friend.
The one who knew her from her awkward and unpleasant teen years.
Unlike her new crowd of cool, cultured and creative friends.

I didn’t feel worthy enough to be her best friend.
That’s how I perceived it anyway.

She moved to Sydney. When I would see a social media post showing she was in Brisbane or if other friends said they ran into her somewhere in our home city, I was hurt. Hurt that she wouldn’t tell me she was back in town. Hurt that she had no interest in seeing me.

I stopped reaching out when I fell pregnant. I never heard anything back in return. 4 years later, and I still think about her at times.

My second ‘best friend’ is still a close friend of mine, but she now lives in Adelaide.

In high school, she was the Chinese exchange student in my economics class. We used to hang out in the library reading ghost stories together. In our twenties, she would crash at my place nearly every weekend after a night out clubbing. We would reflect on our many nights out in fits of tipsy whispered giggles and fall asleep together on the same futon mattress with my cat curled at our feet.

These days, our one-on-one conversations are purely text-based. And almost all exchanges are initiated by me these days. Unless she needs something. When she does, I always jump at the chance like an overeager golden retriever.

Because I want to be there for my friend.
I want to help.
Perhaps I want to be seen as someone’s best friend.
I want to feel like I am worthy of having a best friend.

But I want to do those things for her because she has done so much for me.

I never had bridesmaids at my wedding, but she offered to be with me in the hotel room as I got my hair and makeup done before the wedding. She did the bridesmaid things with me because she knew it was something I wanted and needed, even if I didn’t ask for it.

I didn’t have bridesmaids because I feared no one would want to be one for me.
That it would be a burden for them.
But she became one for me without even having the title.

I also have video chats as a group with this friend, along with two other friends of ours. Always in a group. Never one-on-one.

Then, in our most recent group chat, I found out she had a one-on-one video chat with another friend within the group chat. Of course, she can talk to whoever she wants. She is very close to this girl, too. But it still hurt.

Now I have a third-best friend I need to highlight here.
Someone who I still consider to be a worthy one today.
Someone who still deserves the title in my eyes.

We used to hang out one-on-one quite often, meeting up to go shopping, go to a cafe or visit local events. We even travelled to Tokyo together, just the two of us. We both initiated suggestions to hang out equally, and we still genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

These days, we live on opposite sides of the same city, and we both have young kids, which makes it harder to meet up in person these days.

I know what you’re thinking. This friendship looks great on paper, but the only downside here is that she already has a best friend. She talks about her often and always openly refers to her as her best friend. So, that position is already filled.

As I look back on this therapeutic brain dump and overshare about the friendships I’ve had over the years and wonder why I never had that one best friend that I could name as such, I realise something. I already have one.

My husband.

My husband and I met when I was 20 and he was 21, so we grew up together through our 20s. Any one-on-one time I could have spent with friends was often prioritised for him and still is. We have been together for 18 years now, and he is undoubtedly the longest best friend I’ve ever had, and I sure hope it stays that way for the rest of our lives.

And despite the lack of a best friend other than my husband, I cannot discredit how incredibly lucky I am to have a group of quality friends I enjoy being with and who I can depend on. There really is no reason why I can’t collectively call them my best friends. They are the only ones I have, I treasure them so they are the best in my eyes.

Tell me about your current friendship status. Do you have a best friend? Do you have lots of best friends? Is your partner your best friend? Let me know in the comments below!